btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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