we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
