nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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