I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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