Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Terrible idea I love it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
