I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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