Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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