If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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