I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
