I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
