He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Green mimosas i think yes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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