oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
