I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
