Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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