oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
