Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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