Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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