38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
