Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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