Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize