So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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