i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
