I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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