you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
