I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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