The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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