they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
