im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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