I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
