We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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