this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
