It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
