Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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