wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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