am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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