Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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