apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
4 words: hood of his car
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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