Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
