how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
