He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
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There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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