mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
