Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
