Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize