He uses pillows to masturbate.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
