she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
