I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
