If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
