her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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