Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
