Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
