Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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