Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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