Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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