Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
